What Came Before The Anger?

I’m feeling exposed, betrayed, and angry. Over the weekend my mother decided to further her investigation that had been set off by a message she saw come through on my phone. She decided to go through my room to find my journal. Yes, I know you shouldn’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read. But I guess I wasn’t too worried for some reason.

She read about my self harm, my purging, Steve, my difficulties in school, my suicidal thoughts, my suicide plans, and my “disturbing” pictures. Naturally, she decided to take this to my sister and have her read it. Then she had my sister break into my academic record where they saw I had dropped two classes last semester rather than the one I had told them about.

The main thing she was concerned with was my meeting men online. She is so desperate to believe that isn’t true that she bought my fib that those were just fantasies. Part of me feels bad about continuing to lie. The other part knows things would not turn out well if she actually thought I had been sleeping with Steve or anyone else. She went on about how “immoral” my behavior was before I told her it wasn’t true.

Right now, I’m angry with her. I know that I probably would have done the same thing if I was her. Maybe. It isn’t exactly pure anger. I understand her side of things to an extent. However, I don’t feel like being around her. We are doing our surface routine and interaction but that’s it.

Surprisingly, my father isn’t all that mad about all this. He made me change my number because he thought the people I’d talked to via text might come and murder me. Mostly he wants me to have a secure future and keep my “soul safe”.

My sister was angry with me for a few days. I have actually never seen her truly angry with me. We haven’t spoken openly about the journal. All that I know about what she knows came from my mother. Right now my sister and I are doing some kind of dance were we tap on the top of normal conversation but there is so much tension under it.

I was just thinking of being more open with my mother and maybe my sister!! Why then does this whole thing make me upset if I was going to talk with her already about some of these things? This just isn’t how I wanted anything to come to light. I wanted it to be on my terms. I wanted to share things. I didn’t want my mother to go digging around on her own and pull everything out against my will.

Anger is a secondary emotion, but I’m still trying to figure out what I felt before I got angry. I think it was mostly fear. Fear that something bad would happen to me.

For the past week I have been looking into renting a room somewhere in the area. I really truly did want to move out. I do want to move out. The only problem is that I need to finish my associate’s degree. I need a car for transport and my parents won’t let me use the car if I move out. So for now I’m giving my family the surface interaction they want. It doesn’t seem like they are going to do much about anything so I’ll just finish my degree and go from there.

 

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