Fear Getting In The Way

We both get upset about things because we are worried about losing each other in some way. I love you more than I ever even imagined was possible and the thought of losing you is terrifying. It doesn’t make sense to push you away because I’m afraid of losing you but that’s what we, I, seem to be doing.  

Holding on to that fear is getting in the way. Fear, the root of everything negative, prevents me, us, from being truly honest, which I have come to understand as the heart of intimacy. If we are afraid of losing each other, our words are filtered through that fear and our actions are coated in it. If we act through fear, we will be laying a false framework between us, distancing us instead of building a true understanding.  

The solution isn’t to cling on tighter. It’s not to try to control everything and know what’s going to happen. Instead it’s to loosen our grip. It’s to stand in front of each other and say “this is all of me. I’m not sure if you’ll still love me, but these are my fears, these are my secrets, these are the dark corners of my soul, and I need you to know me, all of me.” There is no guarantee that feelings won’t change, but they will be true.  

I know that I don’t always react with empathy to your fears. I respond to them as judgements or a pointing out of my soildedness. And maybe on some level that’s what they are. But I don’t mean to hurt you and I don’t like pushing you away because of them. I can understand and accept them both ways: as judgments and as a fear. My task is to not let them scare me and make me recoil and to be more understanding of the fear behind them. 

A Fuck Toy’s Life

Low-cut tops, tight pants, dark makeup, long hair, butt out, bikini posted, giggle, smile, and act like you don’t know they’re looking at the play you put on for them. And for what? For some dick? For attention? Don’t they know that standing pretty, being desired, might make you feel important… but making yourself an object of desire gets you no respect, no stability. Not now, not later, not ever.

Just enough to get by, then find a man to fill the gaps. You have no other value, so you better give him children. Now you’ve lost it and he’s looking for other pretty things. Feeling used? No, you made this yourself.

A dramatized reflection on how I see my life going… how my mother sees her life… how too many girls live.