Jealous Pit

I’m not whining. I know I lack passion, drive, or any short of ambitition. How can I accept that and be content? How can I accept others accomplishments without falling into negative thinking?

Whether it is my brother getting into a good university, a friend recieving praise from a professor, or my sister getting a raise at work, I always fall into a jealous pit of disspair. I will never do anything with my life. I am not capable of anything. I don’t want anything out of life. 

Dramatic, right?

Nobody wants to read about or admit to these feelings. You should seperate yourself and simply be happy for the other person. And I am happy for them. Their lives just contrasts my accomplishments so much I can’t help but notice. 

While I (like to) think a lot of people have these thoughts, I need to keep myself from spiraling into them. My sister recently received an offer for a recommendation from a professor without her asking. Naturally, that night I felt like shit and wanted so badly to scratch up my skin and then pop some zaleplon to stop thinking. 

That’s not okay. Writing this out and recognizing that this is a pattern is a good step for me, I think. 

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2 thoughts on “Jealous Pit

  1. This is me. My sister graduated college today. My younger sister, who completely fucked off in high school and got pregnant at 18. I started college at 17 and I still have never finished. It pissed me off. Not because she hasn’t worked her ass off for what she accomplished today… But because so many of my efforts to do the same over the years have been thwarted… and I have recently given up on going back to school. So I definitely understand and second this post.

    Like

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